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The Unfaithful Woman
Once a woman, through firm proof, is convicted of adultery, her husband would be placed in a very difficult situation. On the one hand, his honor is endangered and on the other, enduring such a disgrace is not easy. He feels trapped in a state of deadlock from which an easy escape is not possible. A man in this situation can choose one of the following:
(a) He can keep silent about the affair in order to save his honor and for the sake of his family. But he must live with this event for the rest of his life. Of course this choice cannot be acceptable by any honorable man, since it would not be possible for him to cope with his adulterous wife and a possible illegitimate child.
Passion is an admirable quality of men, so much so that a man without it would not enjoy the grace of the Almighty Allah as well as being dishonored by the people who know him.
What a disgraceful and shameful life those men have who are indifferent with regard to their wives' disloyalties.
"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The fragrance of Paradise can be smelt at a distance of five hundred years' journey, but two groups of people are deprived from it; those which are disowned by their parents and the cuckold ones'. It was asked: 'O Prophet (SA) of Allah: 'Who is a cuckold'?
The Prophet (SA) replied: 'A man who knows his wife is an adulterer (and remains silent about it)'."[207]
(b) He could kill either or both his wife and the man she committed adultery with. He can take his revenge and find peace. But this is a dangerous act and would not have a good end, because a murder would rarely be concealed for ever. A murderer would finally be found and be punished. He cannot easily prove his wife's disloyalty in the court either; and thus the possibility of his release from imprisonment would be very remote. He might even receive capital punishment. Thus he would lose his life and his children would go astray. Therefore, it is not wise for a man to endanger his life just for the sake of seeking revenge.
He should be wise and prudent and be able to control his temper until he can find a suitable solution to his problem.
(c) He can commit suicide in order to get rid of himself from his wife's disloyalty and leave a disgraceful life. This is not a wise act either, because on the one hand he has murdered himself, which itself is a major sin in Islam and the murderer would be punished by Allah on the Day of Judgment. On the other hand, he would have deprived himself from life. What kind of logic is it that would suggest self-killing as a revenge for someone else's guilt. He would suffer in the next life as well as give more freedom to his wife to commit more adulterous acts.
(d) He could divorce her. This is the wisest thing to do. I t is right that a divorce would destroy his family life and would inflict much harm upon him and his children, but there is not any other way. It is better for him to divorce her and take the children, because it is not right to leave them with a corrupt woman to bring up.
Of course bringing up children is not an easy job for a man, but he' must be sure that Allah would help him. He could help him lead an honorable life.
REFERENCES
[207] Wasa’il al-Shiah, vo114, p 109.
Do not Go After Other Women
A man must do his utmost to choose a woman that is suitable for him. He is in a position where he can exercise care and caution in finding a partner whom he is going to live with for the rest of his life. He, however, after marriage, should not go after other women. He must not think of any woman except his wife.
He must realize that a girl has left her family to live with him and it is not right for him to pursue childish desires. He must make efforts in bringing his new family together and must try to create a friendly atmosphere at home.
A man who is interested in his own happiness, must, after marriage, give up naive thoughts and must adapt himself to a new life.
It is senseless for a married man to joke with other women or express his affection for them. A man would also not like his wife to joke with men, A woman would not like this type of attitude of her husband towards other women.
A woman who sees her husband close to other women, would feel jealous and would be disheartened. She would lose interest in her house and family. She might retaliate with a similar action or seek divorce.
"A woman complained about her husband to the court. She had been married for thirty-three years and said that her husband had always been in the habit of jesting with other women."[208]
"A woman complained to the court that her husband was always expressing interest in her friends. She said that she could not invite her friends to the house because they thought her husband was having an interest in them and that she was embarrassed because of him."[209]
It is not proper for a married man to have an eye on other women. Ogling and having eyes at other women results in internal anxiety, nervousness and indifference towards one's family.
Allah states in the Holy Qur'an: “Say to the believing men that they cast down their looks and guard their private parts...” (24:30).
Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'A lewd look is a poisonous arrow thrown by satan. It is likely that such a glance would be the cause of sorrow and grief for some time'." [210]
Flirting is regarded as an illness by psychiatrists. An eye which has become used to this habit, would never be satisfied. Looking in this manner becomes a cause of many corruptions, where the youth can deviate from the right path. What the eyes do not see the heart would not desire.
One might initially resist the grave consequences of forbidden glances, but finally he may break down, and become influenced by what he has seen.
"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'Frequent (forbidden) looks create lust in one's heart, and this is sufficient for deviating the looker'." [211]
Islam, knowing the harm of such lewd looks, has forbidden it altogether.
A man who suddenly sees a woman in the streets or elsewhere, should at once direct his look somewhere else or close his eyes. He should not persist in staring at women. This may be difficult at first, but with a little practice he can do it.
Wise people know that preventing oneself from forbidden looks would remove many potential dangers such as murder, crime, suicide, divorce, nervous breakdown, mental disorders, weakness or heart, anxiety, family rows, etc.
I am aware of the difficulties that the youth are confronted with at this age, and I know that closing one's eyes to obscene scenes in the streets and elsewhere is not easy, but there is not any way other than to ignore them.
A man who can close his eyes to other women, would be protected from many corruptions. Instead he would enjoy his family and peace of mind.
Dear Sir! if you are after happiness, once married, do not take notice of other women. Do not make compliments to other women in front of your wife. Do not say: "I wish I had married Miss...; missed many good opportunities..."
Such statements would hurt your wife and she would grow cold towards you and life. She might even try to do the same and talk similarly.
As a result your life would lack happiness. Pitiful are those men, who for a few moments of lust, chase after corrupt women and leave their own chaste wives, as if they have never known family love and sincerity. Such men are like animals who have only concentrated on eating, sleeping, and lust. They seem to be strangers to humanity and affection.
REFERENCES
[208] Ittela’at, 26th Bahman, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[209] Ibid, 27th Bahman, 1348 Solar Hijri.
[210] Wasa’il al-Shiah, vol 14, p 138.
[211] Ibid, p 139
Be Grateful
Housework may possibly seem an easy job to some men, but it is only fair to acknowledge it as a hard and tedious job.
A housewife, even if she works all day and night, would not be able to finish all her work. Cooking, cleaning, washing the clothes and ironing, washing the dishes and arranging them, making the beds, and arranging the furniture and above all taking care of children, not one day, but everyday is very difficult.
A man might think that his wife is just cooking food three times a day and forgets about the rest of her work.
Only a man who is prepared to stay in the house for a month and do the housework, would know the pressures involved. He would then appreciate his wife's efforts.
A housewife does all this work happily but she expects her husband to appreciate her and to show his gratitude.
Dear Sir! what is wrong with thanking your wife for her housekeeping? Why should you not express your fondness for the food she cooks? What is wrong with thanking her with regard to her efforts in taking care of your children? Are you not aware that your appreciation for her would encourage and refresh her?
If you remain indifferent to her efforts, or do not show your gratitude, she would lose interest in the housework and then you would complain about her. You should know that you could be the cause of your wife's indolence.
If a stranger does you a small favour, you would thank him many times, but upon your wife's many favours you are not even thanking her once! You are not prepared to even make her happy by showing your appreciation for all her efforts.
"A twenty-nine year old housewife wrote from Tehran: 'I am married to an ungrateful and an inappreciative man who ignores my housework altogether. I wash, clean, cook, decorate the house, knit jumpers for the family, polish his shoes, iron his clothes, etc and he has not even once thanked me. Whenever I talk to him about the work in the house, he interrupts me and says that I should not praise it before him. He belittles my efforts, whereas his success is mostly due to my hard work'."[212]
Some men regard it as a manly act to ignore their wives' housework. They think if they make compliments to their wives for their work, the women would be spoiled. They might even believe that a man and wife do not need to thank each other.
This belief is not right, because any good-doer from a psychological point of view, needs appreciation and gratitude. Appreciation encourages one to do good, and this is especially true for a housewife who is doing a tedious job everyday over and over again.
Thus Islam regards being thankful as a good quality in one's behaviour.
"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'Whoever praises a Muslim, Allah would write many praises for him until the Day of .Judgment'."[213]
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'Whoever respects a Muslim, and speaks affably to him, and removes his sorrow, would always be under the blessings of Allah'."[214]
REFERENCES
[212] “Wa Nami Danand Chara.. ("And They Do Not Know, Why?"). p 140.
[213] Shafi, vol 1 p 197.
[214] Ibid.
Be Clean at Home Also
Observing cleanliness is necessary for everyone everywhere. One must always keep his body and clothes clean. He must bathe himself at least once a week and must wash his face and hands with soap and water every morning. He must brush his teeth, comb his hair, trim his hair, wash his feet wear clean socks everyday and must also wear pure clothes. The holy religion of Islam emphasizes greatly about cleanliness and being well-dressed.
The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'Cleanliness is a part of the faith (of Islam)'."[215]
"The Holy Prophet (SA) saw a man who was dirty, had messy hair and looked unattractive. The Prophet (SA) stated: 'Using the blessings of Allah is a part of the faith (of Islam)'."[216]
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam also stated: 'A dirty person would be a bad worshipper of Allah '." [217]
"In addition, the Holy Prophet (SA) stated: ‘Jibra'il (Gabriel) laid so much stress on brushing the teeth that I feared for them'."[218]
"Imam Ali (AS) stated: 'Allah is beautiful and he likes beauty. And he also likes to see the effect of his blessings on his servants'."[219]
Cleanliness and beauty is not only for women, but men should, also be clean and well-dressed. Some men are not bothered about their cleanliness and take a bath only once in a while. They do not care for the state of their clothes and do not bother about trimming their beards. They smell badly and thus make others keep away from them.
Those men who are careful about cleanliness and do lay importance on their clothing, mostly do so outside their own houses. That is they look clean and well-dressed outside the house for the people, not inside their homes for their families. They appear very smart in the streets, gatherings, etc but as soon as they return home, they change into worn out clothes. They rarely attend to the state of their hair and faces at home for the sake of their families.
They might not even bother to wash their faces before eating breakfast. Men of this kind make their families not bother to look at them.
Dear Sir! if you cannot tolerate a dirty and shabby dressed wife, and you expect her to look clean and beautiful at home, then be sure that she expects the same from you. She, too, hates the sight of a dirty, smelly and untidy husband. She also likes to see you clean and smart.
If you do not satisfy her expectations with regard to smartness, then she would notice other men who are clean and smart and she might even think they are from another world. She compares you with them and might lose interest in you. Therefore, try to look good at home as well as outside.
Your wife would not notice other men if you were successful in drawing her attention toward yourself. Why should you look good for strangers in the streets but look messy before your wife and children?
Therefore, the holy religion of Islam orders men to adorn themselves for their wives.
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'It is obligatory for a man to provide his wife with food and clothing, and not to appear before her with an unpleasant appearance. If he did (the above mentioned), then he would take care of her rights'."[220]
"The Prophet (SA) of Allah also stated: 'You (men) must make yourselves tidy and be prepared for your wives, as you would like them (your women) to be prepared for you'."[221]
"Hasan ibn Jiham says: 'I saw Hadrat Abu al-Hasan (AS) who had dyed his hair. I asked if indeed he had dyed his hair'. He stated: 'Yes, adornment of man (for the sake of his wife) helps her keep her chastity. Women who deviate from the path of chastity do so due to the carelessness and faults of their husbands.' Hadrat Abu al-Hasan then stated: 'Do you like to see your wife untidy?' I replied: '.No.' He then added: 'She thinks just as you do'”.[222]
"Imam Rida (AS) stated: 'Women of the Bani Israel deviated from the path of chastity because their men were not bothered about cleanliness and their good looks.' The Imam then added: 'What you expect of your wife, she expects the same from you'."[223]
REFERENCES
[215] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 62, p 129.
[216] Shafi, vol l, p 208.
[217] Ibid.
[218] Ibid, p 210.
[219] Ibid, p 212.
[220] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 103, p 254.
[221] Mustadrak, vol 2, p 559.
[222] Wasa’il al-Shiah, vol 14, p 183.
[223] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 76, p 102.
Nurse Your Wife
The husband and wife always need each other's cooperation and expression of love. However, this need becomes more intense at times of illness and on other similar occasions. An ill person, just as he needs a doctor and medicine, requires nursing and loving care. A good nurse would be able to help a patient recover better and faster.
A woman also expects her husband to nurse her when she is bed-ridden. She expects him to care for her more than her parents.
A woman who works at home like a maid, deserves such loving care from her husband. She rightly expects her husband to take care of her.
Paying for treatment and medicine is one of the usual expenditures of life and a man is duty-bound to provide her with the necessary money. A woman who is working at home without any wages, certainly has a right to expect her husband to pay for her treatment.
There are men who are shamelessly unfair. They use their wives when they are healthy and able, but refuse to pay money when they are ill. Any little money men spend for their wives' treatment is accompanied by many complaints. Some men, if they feel the cost of treatment is high, might even lose their wives. Is this behaviour really fair?
"A woman was complaining about her husband. She said: 'I was working hard at home and went through many happy and harsh times with my husband. However, now that I have become ill my husband wants to leave me'."[224]
Dear Sir! if you are interested in your happiness and your family's prosperity, you must take your wife to a doctor when she becomes ill. You must pay for her treatment. Moreover, you must nurse her kindly. Now that she has left her parents to live with you, she expects you to be more loving to her than her parents. She is your partner and the mother of your children. Sympathize with her and make her hopeful of a speedy recovery. Cook for her. Prepare suitable food and buy the prescribed items. Feed her. All this will make her happy.
Keep the children quiet. Be watchful of her at night. Whenever she is awake ask how she is. If she cannot sleep because of pain, then stay up with her. You can even ask your children to help you look after their mother. Do not ever leave your wife unattended, especially when she is in pain.
At such times, your wife would notice your love and would in turn love you more. She would be proud of you and would attend to you and the children more, once she is healthy again.
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'The best of you is the one who is better towards his family, and I am to my family the best among all'."[225]
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam also stated: 'Whoever makes efforts to realize a wish of an ill person, would be purified from his sins, just as the day he was born'. One of the Ansars (helpers who helped the Prophet (SA) settle in Madinah) asked: 'O Prophet (SA) of Allah! may my parents be sacrificed for you, what if the ill person is from amongst your family (Ahl al-Bayt)? Is there not more reward in this case?' The Prophet (SA) of Allah replied: 'Yes'."[226]
REFERENCES
[224] Ittela’at, 18th Urdibahisht, 1351 Solar Hijri.
[225] Wasa’il al-Shiah, vol 14. p 122.
[226] Ibid, vol 2, p 643.
Family Economy
To arrange for alimony of wife is wajib ( obligatory) for husband. That is a man is duty-bound to pay for the expenses of his wife such as food, clothes, house, doctor, and medicine. He would be wrong not to maintain his wife and could be prosecuted by law.
One cannot expect a family to live without any expense. They all need food, medicine, clothes, and a place to live in. However, they might ask for unnecessary items in which case one can disobey them and not conform with their various desires.
A wise man would spend according to his earnings. He must classify the necessary commodities and purchase them in the order of priority whenever he can. He must also save some money for a rainy day. Some money must be put away for the house rent or purchasing a new place. He must not forget the electricity, water, gas, and telephone bills. Taxes have to be paid and school fees must be kept in mind. He must seriously avoid overspending and not pay for unimportant items. A calculated manner of spending would never confront one with bankruptcy or debt.
Allah regards balanced spending as a sign of faith and states in the Holy Qur'an: "And they who when they spend. are neither extravagant nor parsimonious. and (keep) between these the just mean (25:67)."
"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'I guarantee a person. Who spends moderately, would never become poor'."[227]
"Imam Sadiq (AS) also stated: 'There are four groups of people whose prayers would not reach the level of acceptance; one group of persons is that which wastes his wealth and then asks the Almighty Allah, O Allah! give me my sustenance. Then Allah replies, had I not ordered you to observe moderation (in your expenditure)'."[228]
"Abdullah ibn Aban says: 'I asked Musa ibn J'afar (AS) about maintaining one's family and he stated: 'Extravagance and niggardliness are both abominable. One must not lose moderation '." [229]
A wise man would avoid borrowing money and would not take a loan for unessential purposes. An economy which is based on loans (with interests), received from banks and other establishments is Islamically and logically wrong and is not praiseworthy.
Buying goods on hire-purchase system, although makes your house look good, but takes away your comfort and peace of mind.
Why should one buy unnecessary goods more expensively and fill the pockets of bankers by installments? What kind of a life is it when every thing is acquired at a hire- purchase price? Is it not better for one to wait and save his money in order to buy goods at cheaper prices?
It is true that earning money is difficult and it affects one's life a great deal, however, more important is the way in which one spends his money. There are families with good earnings who are always under debts of others. There are also many families with low earnings who live comfortably. The difference between the two is the way they spend their earnings. Therefore, it is advantageous to a family that the man either takes control of expenditures or supervises the one who is responsible for it.
Finally, it is reminded that meanness is just as bad as overspending. If a man has more earnings he must make his family more comfortable and provide their essential requirements as much as possible.
Wealth and money are all for spending and providing the necessities of life, and not for piling up and leaving them behind in this world.
The signs of wealth must be apparent in one's family and house. What is the use of working hard and not spending?
One must use his wealth with regard to his family and his own comfort. It is hateful to see someone who is able money wise but his children long for good food and clothes. Children of a stingy person would wait for his death to share his wealth.
If the Almighty Allah bestows his blessings onto someone, this blessing must be apparent in that person's life.
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'He is not one of us (followers of Prophet (SA) who possesses money but keeps his family away from his wealth'."[230]
"Musa ibn J'afar (AS) stated: 'A man's family members are his dependents. Thus whoever is bestowed with the blessings of Allah, should expand on his dependents' comfort, or else such blessings may be taken away from him'."[231]
Imam Rida (AS) stated: 'It is worthy of a man to grant his family-members with comfort by his spending, so that they do not await his death'."[232]
"Imam Ali (AS) stated: 'Arrange fruits for your dependents every Friday so that they may be pleased with the coming of Friday'."[233]
REFERENCES
[227] Wasa’il al-Shiah, vol 15, p 258.
[228] Ibid, p 261.
[229] Ibid,
[230] Mustadrak, vol 2, p 643.
[231] Bihar al-Anwar, vol l04, p 69.
[232] Wasa'il al-Shi'ah, vol 15, p 249.
[233] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 14, p 73.
Extend Your Help in the Household Works
Although housekeeping is a duty of women, ;it must be realized that running the affairs of a house is not an easy task
A housewife, however much time she spends on housekeeping, would not be able to do it all This is especially true when one has to entertain one's guests or when one becomes ill, etc Housekeeping ;s tiresome for a housewife and thus husbands are expected to assist their wives in this respect
It is not fair that a man sits around the house idly while his wife remains busy in so much works It is only proper for him to help his wife as much as possible whenever he can. This help is a sign of affection which attracts one's wife to her husband and family
It is not at all a manly act that a man should not touch anything around the house, or orders his wife around A house is not a command headquarters, but a place of love, kindness, and cooperation
Dear sir! do not think that working at home is degrading On the contrary, through your assistance, your wife would appreciate you more
The Prophet (SA) of Islam. who is the most revered person in history, used to help in the housework"[234]
Ayishah, the wife of the Prophet (SA) said :’Whenever the Prophet (SA) was free from his work, he used to sew his clothes, repair his shoes and used to work at home like other men':"[235]
REFERENCES
[234] Bihar al-Anwar, vo116, p 227.
[235] Ibid, p 230.
Return Home Soon
An unmarried man is free to spend his time. but once married, he must alter his program. He cannot stay out for any length of time that he desires He should inform his wife of his whereabouts. etc He must not forget that his wife stays at home all the day, cleans the house, washes the dishes, and cooks. She waits for him to return home as soon as his work is finished, to see him, talk to him, and to enjoy his company. The children look forward to seeing their father too. It is not fair that a man should leave his family at home and pursue his enjoyment somewhere else.
Marriage is not only providing food and clothes for one's family. A woman is her husband's partner and not a servant. She is not there to work all the day and get fed in return, but rather she hopes to have a permanent friend and partner.
Some men are truly unfair, unjust, and foolish. They leave their wives and children at home and spend their nights somewhere else. The money that they should spend at home for the family, they waste at other places. Such men have not yet understood the meaning of love and affection and regard their cheap and filthy enjoyments as a way of good living. They overlook the fact that they would degrade themselves through such deeds. Others would recognize them as silly and impudent.
These men are the causes of the unhappiness of themselves and their families. Their acts drive their wives to seek a divorce from them.
"A man who had divorced his wife, said in the court: 'At the beginning of my marriage, I had certain friends that I used to go out with, while leaving my wife behind..., and I used to return home in the early hours of the morning, My wife, who was fed up with this situation, obtained a divorce. We had ten children, whom I was supposed to meet twice a month. Some time passed like this. But it is quite some time now that my children are in hiding and I am desperate to see my children',"[236]
"A woman said: 'I am frustrated with loneliness. My husband does not care about me at all. Every night for his own enjoyment he is out until the early hours of the morning '."[237]
Dear sir! you are now married. You should not act like a bachelor. You are responsible for your wife and the children. Do not associate with unworthy friends. Return home as soon as you finish your work. Enjoy a family life and be a good company for your wife and the children. Even if your nightly amusements are not wrong they can be nevertheless harmful to you and your married life.
REFERENCES
[236] Ittela’at, 11th Tir, 1349 Solar Hijri.
[237] “Wa Nami Danand Chara" (..And They Do Not Know, Why?") p, 138.
Be Faithful
Upon a marital covenant, the individual lives of two persons converge into a single social joint life. The holy covenant of marriage means that a man and a woman promise each other to be together for the rest of their lives, to help each other, to be kind and understanding at all times, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, happiness and sorrow, etc.
Humanity demands that one should remain faithful to one's promises. A married couple should not forget their treaty at difficult times.
A young girl who chooses one man to live with her for the rest of her life, expects him not to leave her at an age when she is no longer a young woman any more. It is not fair that a man should seek pleasure with anyone other than his wife.
A woman who contributes a great deal in building a strong family with good economical prospects, does not expect her husband to go after another woman.
A woman who works hard at home, naturally hopes that her husband would not deprive her of his love and affection at times of sickness and inability to work. The least she expects of him is not to go after his pleasure alone.
Some men are truly emotionless. When their wives are young and good-looking they enjoy their company, but leave them when they lose their good look.
A man divorced his wife on the basis of her being bad-omen, because since their marriage his father had died and his uncle had become bankrupt."[238]
"A man who had married a young woman out of love, divorced her later on the grounds that he did not love her ."[239]
"A woman Mrs... complained to the court: 'For years I have lived with my husband, but now that I have become ill, he says that he does not want a sick wife'."[240]
Dear sir! you are not an animal whose life is all about eating and lust. You are a human being with emotion, conscience and sacrificial characteristics. Is it really fair that you pursue your enjoyment away from your wife? If yes, then you are an oppressor and as such you would be punished in this very world. If you spend your time with another woman, then for the sake of a few minutes of enjoyment, you may indeed lose your peace of mind and would be affected by nervousness. Besides you would be disgraced before people. Your children would not accept you either and would react by being malicious to you.
If your wife ever becomes ill, take the necessary steps to cure her, and if she has an incurable illness, then stay with her , sacrifice yourself and do not remarry while she is still alive.
Do not disappoint her during the difficult times. What would you expect if you were in her situation? It is only fair that she would expect the same from you.
Is it right that your wife, when you are ill, should seek a divorce? Would she not be disgraced in the eyes of your friends and relatives? So if you agree that faithfulness and sincerity are good, then try to be faithful.
REFERENCES
[238] Ittela’at, 25th Dey, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[239] Ibid, 26th Shahrivar, 1348 Solar Hijri.
[240] Ibid, 18th Urdibahisht, 1351 Solar Hijri.
Education and Training
A young newly married woman has the responsibility of running the affairs of her husband and as such she would need knowledge of cooking, cleaning, ironing, sewing, arranging the furniture, entertaining her guests, socializing with others, taking care of her child, etc.
Her husband would expect her to know all of this. However, his expectations may not be realized most of the time because his young wife's knowledge about housekeeping is either non-existent or very little indeed.
What can one do? This is a problem in our societies. Neither the parents are bothered, nor the educational system contains enough programs to meet this need. Nevertheless one should find a solution to this problem.
A man, since intending to live with his wife for the rest of his life, must help educate her, because usually men are older than their wives and thus more experienced.
A man, through patience, can educate his wife and teach her things that he knows. He can even ask his mother, sister or aunts about things that he does not know or can even buy books on the related subjects like cooking, tailoring, housekeeping, etc.
A man must also encourage his wife to read the books which may prove to be morally helpful. He must correct her moral shortcomings with good manners and not by protesting, or else she would react against him.
A man, through patience, can educate his wife according to his own way of living within the first two years of their marriage. He may not be successful one hundred percent but undoubtedly would be near satisfaction.
Such education needs patience, time, and wisdom, but a man should try to achieve it. This is because a good partner and a good mother for his children is a blessing for a man.
One of the important points that a Muslim married man should remember is the fact that his wife is also a Muslim and may be unaware of the Islamic code of life and laws. She may not even know about having wuzu (ablution), praying, etc.
As a matter of fact it is a duty of parents to teach their children all the necessary Islamic matters and precepts, Unfortunately, however, parents are mostly ignorant of this fact and without teaching their daughters any thing about Islam, marry them off. Thus their responsibility falls upon the shoulders of the men they marry.
Dear sir! it is your responsibility to familiarize your wife with Islamic precepts and to teach her the dos and don'ts of the religion. Make her learn about Islamic behaviour. If you cannot do this then seek help from others or arrange for books and articles on Islam and make her read and practise them. You can even arrange her education and training through an honest and learned person.
In brief, it is a responsibility of a man to encourage his wife to do good and to forbid her from committing any wrong. If he conforms with this responsibility then he would enjoy the company of a well-behaved, kind, moral, and wise wife.
If he, however, neglects his duty, he would suffer by having an ignorant wife whose faith is weak and who is not immune from immorality. He would also be questioned by Allah in the next world regarding his negligence.
Allah states in the Holy Quran: ..”O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones...” (66:6).
“Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'When the above Ayah (verse) was revealed, one of the Muslims was crying and said: 'I am unable to save even myself from the Hellfire and I am supposed to be responsible to save my family from Hell as well'! The Prophet (SA) stated to this man: 'It would suffice you only to order them to do those things that you have to do yourself and to forbid them from those deeds that you yourself should abstain from'."[241]
"The Holy Prophet (SA) stated: 'Men have been made guardians and responsible for their families and as such they are responsible for their dependents'."[242]
"The Holy Prophet (SA) has also reminded women: 'Invite your husbands to do good before they persuade you to commit wrong deeds'."[243]
REFERENCES
[241] Wasa'il al-Shi'ah, vol 11, p 417.
[242] Mustadrak, vol 2, p 550.
[243] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 103, p 227.
Having A Child
One of the possible sore points for a couple is having a child. That is a woman may want to have a child but her husband disagrees or vice versa. This problem sometimes becomes very serious as a result of which a couple may resort to divorce.
"Mrs... made a complaint to the court and said: 'I married at the age of twenty-seven years when my husband had just graduated from the university. He was a lecturer in one of the universities and I felt that I was a lucky woman. However, my husband disagrees with having a child. I do not understand him because we are both healthy and have enough money to at least bring up two children. He does not dislike children and treats his nieces and nephews well. I am thirty years old and naturally I wish I were a mother. He understands my feelings but says that a child would be a cause of inconvenience in our lives, and so on'. This woman, while stopping herself from crying, is confronted with a problem which is so serious that the couple has decided for a divorce, so that she would remarry while he would have enough time for his scientific research." [244]
Love for children and reproduction is a natural desire of human beings and even of animals. Children are the fruit of life and the best legacy of mankind.
The life of one who has children would not be ended by his death but rather would be continued as if with an extended life. A person without a child or children would feel lonely and forlorn and would feel even worse in old age.
A house without children is a place of boredom, and would lack warmth and love. A marriage would always be in danger of breaking down if there were no children. Thus children are the source of family warmth and survival.
"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'One's happiness is in having children'."[245]
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'Give birth to many children because on the Day of Judgment I will take pride in your numbers over the other Ummahs (nations)'."[246]
Love for a child is a natural desire, but some people are deviated from their natural ‘self’ and are affected by an illness where they bring up different excuses, such as the lack of money, for not having children. However, Allah guarantees that He would give sustenance to all His creatures.
"Bakr ibn Saleh said: 'I wrote a letter to Hadrat Abu al- Hasan (AS) saying that I had been taking preventive measures against having a child for five years, because my wife had been reluctant to have one, and that she was saying, lack of money would make it difficult for us to bring up a child.' I asked Hadrat Abu al-Hasan his opinion on this matter. He replied: 'Do not prevent having a child, because the Almighty Allah would provide him sustenance'."[247]
Allah would even increase a family's sustenance due to the blessings of children. There are many people who were in difficulty before having their children, but found a comfortable life afterwards.
Some people regard children as inconvenient. This is not true and as a matter of fact children are the best source of enjoyment and amusement for the parents.
Of course taking care of children is not without difficulty and trouble, but since it conforms with the law of nature, one can cope with all the difficulties and as such it is worth taking the trouble involved.
How narrow-minded are those men and women who for the sake of not having children resort to divorce!
Is it not really surprising that a man, and that too an educated one for that matter, should disagree with the laws of nature so persistently that he would even be prepared to divorce his wife?
Some couples do not disagree on having a child but argue over the time of having one. A woman or a man of this kind would say: "One must be free at a young age as a child would deprive one from being at liberty to enjoy oneself. It is better to wait until later to have one or two children". If both husband and wife are not of the same opinion, then arguments would start which may end in a divorce.
Let us remember that if one wants children, then this should be achieved at the earliest possible age. This is because children born from young parents are in some respects better off than those born from older parents. Firstly, these children are healthier and stronger. Secondly, since they are from younger parents, they can live for more time with their parents. They can be better educated and brought up. But children from older parents might become deprived of their parents' guidance and teachings due to their death or disability. Thirdly, children of younger parents would reach an age of forming their own family and taking up jobs, while their parents are still alive. Thus they can be a great deal of help to their parents when they are old.
In brief, having children at a young age is better than at an older age. But this is not so important that it should cause rows or divorce. It is better for the husband or wife to agree mutually and not let it create a rift in their marriage. Some couples disagree on the number of children they would like.
"A woman, while holding a baby in her arms, said: , After four years of marriage I had two daughters with my husband, but since he wanted a son I became pregnant once more and again gave birth to a girl. I now have three daughters. My husband works in a bank and his salary does not suffice our family. He has recently been insisting that I should become pregnant many times until I give birth to a son. But I am not prepared for this because his earnings are not enough for us to educate our children the way we want. I have told him many time's that boys and girls are both good. I fear that if I become pregnant again I shall give birth to another girl. I am sure that he would again insist on having another child. We cannot agree on this matter and thus have taken our case to the court'."[248]
It is right that providing for education and training of many children is difficult and this is especially true in the case of those whose earnings are not high.
Therefore, it is better that couples decide on the number of children according to their moral and financial abilities. They must have understanding and be able to solve their problems through wisdom and kindness. It is not correct for either of them to insist on something illogical.
This problem is not so serious and should not lead a couple to have quarrels or resort to a divorce. There are many families who either have many children or are satisfied with only one or two.
Some couples have differences about the sex of their proposed children. Some couples, men and women prefer having a son and do not take too kindly to having girls. The birth of a daughter would make a woman feel guilty and therefore she would keep silence because she was the one who has given birth. But the man might express his dissatisfaction. Men are different. Some do not express their dissatisfaction openly and just show a grim face. They do not particularly attend to their wives during the post-natal days. They look sad. Some men, however, react severely to the news of having a daughter. They become angry with their wives and pick up fault with them. They protest and create a row. Some men go further and might even beat them up or even divorce them.
"A woman said in the court: 'I got married fifteen months ago and became pregnant six months later. Recently, when the time for delivery was near, my husband said to me that I had to give birth to a son. But I felt that I might have twins or even triplets. A few days ago I gave birth to twin girls. I was very happy about it. When my husband came to know about the birth, he was upset and left the room. Later ,when I asked him to take the girls home he shouted at me and blamed me for delivering twin girls. He asked me to leave him. so I went to my parents and now I am applying for divorce.” [249]
"Mrs... said to a reporter in the court: 'After twenty-one years of marriage and having five children. I have to leave a life to which I have contributed so much to for another woman a woman who is able to give birth to a boy. I have five beautiful and talented daughters who are no problem to their father at all. What is my guilt if I cannot give birth to a boy. My husband is blaming me for it and wants me to allow him to remarry with another woman'. [250]
Unfortunately. this quality has remained with some people from the time of Jahiliyyah (age of ignorance) that they doubt the human nature of the female sex. They arc ashamed of having daughters and feel belittled. In the age of ignorance. people used to bury their baby daughters alive. The Holy Qur'an mentions their deeds and states:
“And when a daughter is announced to one of them, his face becomes black and he is full of wrath.” ( 16:58).
“He hides himself from the people because of the evil of that which is announced to him. Shall he keep it with disgrace or bury it (alive) in the dust? Now surely evil is what they judge” (16:59).
But Islam denounces this wrong idea and regards men and women as equal.
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam stated: 'The best of your children are your daughters'."[251]
"The Prophet (SA) of Islam also stated: 'The sign of a lucky woman is that her first child is a girl'."[252]
"In addition. the Holy Prophet (SA) stated: 'Whoever looks after three daughters or three sisters, Paradise would become incumbent upon him'."[253]
If a girl was inferior, Allah would not have made his (Prophet's (SA)) descendents line continue through Hadrat Zahra (AS).
Dear Sir: you are claiming to be a civilized and modern human being, so abstain from having such evil thoughts. What difference does it make if you have a girl or a boy? They are both your offspring and both can advance towards perfection. A girl also can become a prominent personality through your correct care and education.
A girl is in some respects better than a boy.
Firstly, a girl is more sympathetic to their parents. Boys usually do not benefit their parents when they grow up and become independent. Girls, if parents do not place any preference on their sons, would be more loving towards them.
Secondly, a girl requires less expense as compared to a boy, because she generally spends less time in her parents' house since she gets married at an earlier age and leaves her parents with only a few items for her new life. But boys become young men who may stay with their parents for a long time. The parents would have to pay for his education, find him a job, may have to pay his expenses during his two years of military service, wherever necessary, and then marry him off to a young woman, after which he would need to be provided with a house, carpets, furniture, and so on. He would even seek financial help from his parents after his marriage.
Thirdly, if parents do not discriminate between their son and daughter, and if they treat their son-in-law kindly, the son-in-law would often be more helpful to them at times of difficulties and is usually more faithful to them in comparison to their own son.
Anyway, is it a woman's fault if she gives birth to a girl? The man and wife are both involved in the action of procreation and a man has no right to blame his wife for this matter. Otherwise it is just as reasonable for a woman to blame her husband in this regard. However, neither are to be blamed, as it is only the will of Allah to determine the sex of a baby.
There are some experts who believe that the sex of a child can be determined from the fact as to how the mother is fed during the first two months of pregnancy. So if there are people who prefer a particular sex of a baby, they should get in contact with the experts and thus prevent a situation of blaming their wives.
An intellectual man, not only should not upset at having a baby daughter, but must be very happy too. He should show his happiness, should express his affection towards his wife and should even give her a present.
He could celebrate the new birth and even take logical steps in convincing his wife that a baby daughter is just as good as a baby boy, should she be upset with having a daughter.
A wise father would not discriminate between his son and daughter, would not condemn any body for having a daughter, and thus would fight the ignorant concepts of the ‘Age of Ignorance'.
"A man heard the news of having a newly born baby daughter, while he was in the presence of the Holy Prophet (SA) of Islam. He became upset. The Prophet (SA) stated:
'Why are you upset?' He said: 'When I was coming out of my house, my wife was having labour pain, and now they have brought the news to me that I have had a daughter'. The Prophet (SA) stated: 'The earth has enough room for her, and the sky provides her with shelter, and Allah will provide her with sustenance. She is a sweet smelling flower from which you will get much enjoyment'."[254]
REFERENCES
[244] Ittela’at, 28th Bahman, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[245] Wasa'il al-Shi'ah, vol 15, p 97.
[246] Ibid, p 96.
[247] Ibid, p 99.
[248] Ittela’at, 2nd Murdad, 1351 Solar Hijri.
[249] Ibid, 14th Tir, 1349 Solar Hijri.
[250] Ibid, 16th Esfand, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[251] Mustadrak, vol 2, p 615.
[252] Ibid, p 614.
[253] Wasa'il al-Shi'ah, vol 15, p l00
[254] Ibid, p 101.
Pregnancy and Childbirth
The duration of pregnancy is a very sensitive and fateful period in a baby's life. The mother's nutritional habits together with her physical movements and psychological behavior are vital both to herself and the life of the baby in her womb.
The baby's health or illness, strength or weakness, ugliness and beauty, and its good or bad behavior and a part of intellect and prudence, are established in the mother's womb. One of the experts writes: "The baby's parents are able to either grow in a fortress of health or in the ruins of sickness. It is obvious that the latter is not a suitable place in which the eternal soul or a human being should live. This is the reason that-parents are believed to shoulder the greatest responsibility compared to the whole of creation."[255]
Therefore, the period of pregnancy cannot be regarded or be treated as an ordinary one. Once the pregnancy starts, the parents are given a great responsibility.
Parents may unwittingly create a variety of difficulties, many of which may be extremely difficult to remedy, because of slight carelessness when performing their duties.
Below are a few points that should be noted:
(a) Food: A foetus in its mother's womb, feeds and grows on the nourishment in her blood. Therefore, the mother's food should be nutritive enough to provide the elements needed by the baby as well as for the welfare of the mother . Therefore any lack of vitamins, proteins, fat, sugar or carbohydrates in the mother's intake of food would inflict harm on the baby's health.
"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'The food of a foetus, is provided by the nourishment that the mother receives'."[256]
A major problem which confronts most of the pregnant women is that during either the whole or the majority of the pregnancy period, they lack a well-balanced appetite for food, as they develop craving for certain foods while being repulsed by others. Because they generally eat less, during this period, they should make sure that their food is not stodgy and at the same time nutritious enough to provide the essentials for the baby.
Following up a food program in this phase of pregnancy is extremely difficult, particularly for those of low income and those who are unaware of the nutritional values of different foods.
A great responsibility rests with the father who should do his utmost to provide essential foods for his wife. Carelessness on the part of the father would be harmful to the growing baby, for which he would be held responsible in both this world and in the world Hereafter.
(b) Mental State: A mother, in her pregnancy, needs serenity and should experience a sense of love towards life. This is beneficial to both the mother and her baby. The father, being responsible for providing his wife with a peaceful and lively atmosphere, should try even harder during the period of her pregnancy. The husband, through kindness and love, should behave in such a manner that his wife can feel proud and happy about being pregnant; she should feel proud that another life depends on her and that she is responsible for its welfare.
(c) Refrain from Jerky Movements: A pregnant woman should avoid strenuous activities and should rest a great deal. The lifting of heavy objects or fast body movements could result in irreparable harm to her, the baby or both. Pregnant women should refrain from doing any heavy work, and their husbands should volunteer to carry out such activities.
(d) The Fear of Labour: Delivering a baby is not always an easy event. Labour pains can sometimes be severe. Pregnant women often worry about the pain involved and the possible risks associated with child birth, followed by the period of convalescence after giving birth. Although women should be able to cope with pregnancy, labour and feeding their babies, men should also share in the responsibility of bringing up their children.
Although an embryo is conceived in women’s womb, there is also the father of the baby who has played an important role in its conception. So men should make certain for their wives' comfort during child birth and be handy if anything should be urgently required.
It is both an Islamic and a human duty of husbands to do their utmost for their pregnant wives to provide medical care and facilities for an easy delivery. A man should try to be with his wife after the birth of their child; but if unable to do so, he should phone her or send a relative to stay with her. He should try to bring her back home himself and help her with the housework so that she can get sufficient rest to regain her lost energy. A man, who treats his wife well, will be rewarded by Allah.
"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: 'The best of men is one who treats his wife well and I, amongst you, am the best man with regard to the good treatment of my wife'."[257]
"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'May Allah bless a man who creates a good relationship with his wife, because Allah has appointed man to be the guardian of his wife'."[258]
A man, who treats his wife well, will make the atmosphere of his family life warmer and will strengthen its foundations.
His wife, in turn, would never forget her husband's love and affection. As a result the bonds of matrimony become stronger.
REFERENCES
[255] Raz-e-Afrinish, p 108.
[256] Bihar al-Anwar, vol 60, p 342.
[257] Wasa'il al-Shi'ah, vo114, p 122.
[258] Ibid.
Assistance in Bringing up Children
A child is the fruit of a marriage. Both man and woman have played a part in his creation and must share in all the difficulties and happiness involved. Bringing up a child is a duty for both parents and not only the mother. Although mothers most often take care of their children and attend to their feeding, cleanliness, etc, the fathers should not take their efforts granted. It is not proper for a man to assume that looking after children is a duty for women only and that men have no responsibilities in this matter. It is not fair that a father should leave his wife with their crying baby and go to rest in a separate room.
Dear brother! your child is your responsibility too. Do you think it is fair to leave your wife with a crying baby while you rest in a separate room? Is this the proper way of doing things in your house? Just as you work hard outside the house, your wife works hard inside it, and she needs her sleep just as much as you do yours. She, too, does not enjoy from a screaming baby but she perseveres.
My brother! humanity as well as Islam demands you to help your wife in bringing up your child. You should either help each other simultaneously or take it in turns.
If your wife experiences a sleepless night and falls asleep after the morning prayer. then you should not expect her to prepare your breakfast like on other days. In fact you should prepare your own and even leave hers ready and waiting for her when she wakes up.
Your wife is not duty-bound to look after your child all the time that you are out of the house or on a trip. In brief, you should assist your wife and share in looking after the child. In this way your family life would be strengthened.
Finally women should also remember that their husbands work hard to earn their living and should not expect them to offer assistance beyond their capacity. Women should not expect their tired, work-weary husbands to begin looking after the children as soon as they return home from work.
The Major Obstacle in Settling down Disagreements
The biggest obstacle in solving family rows are self- centeredness and self-conceit. Unfortunately, many people are affected by these characteristics. Such people lack a certain intelligence whereby they only acknowledge their own virtues while dismissing those of others and never own their failures. It is especially disastrous when this disorder of character is accomplished by another. namely. picking up faults with others. Sometimes both husband and wife suffer with the latter in which case they may have a row day and night. Each criticizes the other while tracing themselves totally from all faults.
Sometimes if only one side suffers from this defect of fault-finding, they would pick up fault with the other and by so doing liberate themselves completely from all criticisms.
Where both husband and wife suffer with this disorder, it is particularly difficult to reconcile them, because they would not he prepared to take anyone’s advice. When each no listens to the radio or watches a program on television pertaining to family affairs, they would notice a particular flow of character which existed in their partner and would throw it in their faces. But any talked -about fault pertaining to themselves would evade their attention. They would buy a book on family morals and hand it over to their partner , without feeling any need for themselves to read it.
Selfishness can become so sever that the affected person may not even be aware of it. In such a situation, the relationship between the couple becomes strained and even impossible to continue. Consequently, either life would go on in the form of rows, distress. and unhappiness, or may even lead to a divorce.
It is, therefore, recommended to all couples to abstain from selfishness and self-conceit. A couple, who are troubled with this situation, should find time to sit together and like two honest judges talk about their problem(s). They should listen to each other without prejudice. Each one should take a note of his own shortcomings without overlooking even the smallest issue, and with the intention of correcting them. Then they should both decide to correct themselves; but only if they feel the necessity for deep understanding and where they both long to revive their love and tranquility which once existed between them.
However, in the case of an inability to achieve reconciliation, they should refer their problem(s) to an experienced, faithful, aware, trustworthy, and benevolent person. If such a person is a friend or a relative, it may be to their advantage because they can tell them everything and await their verdict. They should listen to him and take note of his advice given and intend to put it into practice.
Of course being faithful to the recommendations of a judge is not easy, but a person, who is concerned about his family and its stability, peace, and survival, should persevere and later enjoy its valuable results.
Parents of such couples, if aware of their children's family problem(s), should advise them to call on an experienced, faithful, and good intentioned judge. Parents should not take sides with either husband or wife. In this way, with the help of Allah their problems would be resolved.
Allah states in the Holy Qur'an:
“And if you fear a breach between the two, then appoint a judge from his people and a judge from her people; if they both desire agreement, Allah will effect harmony between them; surely Allah is Knowing, Aware.” (4:35)
Divorce
Although divorce is a lawful act, it is the most detested and worst of all deeds.
"Imam Sadiq (AS) stated: 'Get married but do not divorce, because a divorce would tremble the Arsh (empyrean) of Allah'."[259]
"Imam Sadiq (AS) also stated: 'Allah likes the house which is inhabited in the wake of marriage and dislikes the house which is abandoned in the wake of divorce. There is nothing more detestable to Allah than a divorce." [260]
Marriage is not like buying a pair of shoes and socks that whenever not liked one disposes the shoes and buys another pair of shoes. Marriage is a spiritual covenant that two people make in order to stay together like friends, sympathizers and lovers till their death. It is based on these great hopes that a young girl leaves her parents and joins her husband.
A man makes efforts and works hard on the basis of such a divine covenant. He pays for his wedding and buys the necessary goods for his new life and works for his family comfort.
Marriage is not a lustful affair and a couple cannot destroy it for trivial excuses. Although divorce is lawful, it is seriously detested and people are recommended to avoid it as much as possible.
Unfortunately, this very detestable act has become so common in Islamic countries and the foundations of family units have become so shaky that there is generally little faith in marriage any more.
Divorce is permitted but only in very exceptional and compelling circumstances.
"The Prophet (SA) of Allah stated: Jibrail(Gabriel) advised me about women so much that I thought one should not divorce them except if they commit adultery'."[261]
Most cases of divorce are not based upon good reasons, but are on immature excuses. That is. the reasons for most cases of divorce are trivial and are not worth effecting the separation of a couple. The husband or wife, because of selfishness, may exaggerate a trivial problem and decide that their married life must be ended.
"Mrs..., twenty-four years old, asked her husband to invite her parents to an expensive dinner. Since he did not accept her demand, she applied for a divorce'."[262]
"A man divorced his wife on the grounds that she was only giving birth to girls. The couple had five daughters."[263]
"A woman applied for a divorce, because her husband believes in mysticism and did not show much interest in life."[264]
"A man applied for a divorce because he wanted to get married to a wealthy woman." [265]
"A woman applied for a divorce because her husband used to hide his money in his sleeves." [266]
"A man has divorced his wife because he claims that she is a bad-omen. Since their marriage his father had died and his uncle had become bankrupt."[267]
A couple who is not wise and prudent, might fall into the traps of such petty matters and apply for a divorce.
A couple, who seeks separations, must not rush for it. They are recommended to consider carefully about the after- effects and their future in detail and then decide. They must specifically ponder over two points:
First Point: A couple, who seeks divorce, generally would like to re-marry. But they should remember that after the divorce, the persons known as divorcees would not have a good record with regard to marriage. People think of them as selfish and unfaithful.
Upon finding out a man's previous marriage and divorce, a woman might doubt his faithfulness or his character .
A divorced woman rarely gets a chance to re-marry. Because men generally do not show much interest in marrying a divorced woman and doubt about her faithfulness. Therefore a divorcee would possibly have to stay alone for the rest of his or her life and may have to suffer from loneliness too.
Being lonely is a very difficult situation, and some lonely people prefer death rather than such an unbearable life.
"A twenty-two year old woman who was divorced, attempted to commit suicide on the night of her sister’s wedding. She had one child."[268]
Even if a man is successful in re-marrying, it is not at all obvious that his new life would be any better than his first wife. She may even be worse. Such men usually prefer to divorce their second wife and re-marry the initial one. But usually it is too late for such a move.
"An eighty-year old man said in the court: 'I had a good life when I married my first wife about sixty years ago. But after a while she started mistreating , so I divorced her. I married a few women after that, but felt that my first wife was the most faithful among them. I found her and asked her to re-marry me. She, who was also tired of loneliness, agreed, and we now want to marry again'."[269]
"A man divorced his second wife because she could not take care of the two children that he had from his first marriage. He than remarried his first wife whom he had divorced five years ago." [270]
Second Point: A couple, which seeks separation. Must also think of their children. Children's comfort lies in a family where their both the parents live together and take care of them jointly.
Upon the breaking down of the family life. Children become extremely upset. If only their father looks after them. they would be deprived of motherly love. They would not enjoy life with step-mother either. Step-mothers, not only are unable to act as their genuine mothers. but may regard their step-children as a burden. Some step-mothers maltreat their step-children and make them upset deliberately and their fathers may have to remain silent.
"A fourteen-year old bride who had attempted to commit suicide said in the hospital. 'My parents separated when I was one-year old. My father remarried after one and half years and we are now living together. My step-mother used to beat me up and even burnt me with a hot metal rod on a few occasions. My father, even though a well-off man, prevented me from studying and deprived me from learning. About a month ago my father forced me to marry a forty-five year old man'." [271]
"A thirteen-year old girl hung herself. This girl lived with her two brothers. One of the brothers said: 'My parents separated about three years ago. My mother re-married another man, and my father died two months ago. It was 6:30 pm yesterday that I came home and found my sister who had hung herself ."[272]
Also, if the mother assumes the responsibility of her children, then they would be deprived of having a real father who would care for them. A step-father is often the cause of much unhappiness to his step-children.
"A woman helped her second husband to tie his eight- year old step-son to a bed. They then closed the door and went out for a walk. When they returned home, they found their child had been burnt to death as a result of the fire in the house."[273]
Divorce destroys a family unit and leaves the children wandering and shelter less. Children often suffer as the result of their parent's selfishness.
"Four children aged twelve, nine, six and four years went to a police station. The eldest son said: 'Our parents separated from each other a while ago. They had constant arguments and used to have a row everyday and night. Now that they are divorced, neither are prepared to take the responsibility of caring for us'."[274]
Children, who are deprived of having a suitable guardian and a family atmosphere, often go astray. The lack of proper education and a sympathetic person in their lives, makes them suffer from complexes of interiority. They may even commit crimes of various degrees, during their childhood or adulthood.
One can realize this fact by just reading the events in the daily newspapers.
"In a research made at the Center for Youth Rehabilitation, it is evident that out of one hundred and sixteen criminal youths of this center, eighty people asserted that their step-mothers' treatment with them was the cause of their crimes."[275]
Dear madam/sir! for the sake of Allah and for the sake of your innocent children, be forgiving towards each other. Do not exaggerate trivial problems and do not persist in your arguments. Do not pick up faults with each other. Think of your future as well as that of your children.
Remember! Your children rely on you and look up to you for their happiness. Have mercy upon them and do not destroy their lives.
If you ignore their internal desires and if you break their little hearts, you would not be able to escape the effects of their unhappiness. You would, therefore, be unable to have a comfortable life together.
REFERENCES
[259] Makarim al-Akhlaq, p 225.
[260] Wasa'il al-Shi'ah, vol 15, p 267.
[261] Makarim al-Akhlaq, p 248.
[262] Ittela’at, 12th Esfand, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[263] Ibid, 16th Esfand, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[264] Ibid.
[265] Ibid, 8th Esfand, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[266] Ibid, 16th Esfand, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[267] Ibid, 25th Dey, 1350 Solar Hijri.
[268] Ibid, 17th Esfand, 1348. Solar Hijri.
[269] Ibid, 21st Bahman, 1348 Solar Hijri.
[270] Ibid, 8th Dey, 1348, Solar Hijri.
[271] Kayhan, 29th Aban, 1348 Solar Hijri.
[272] Ittela’at, 4th Bahman, 1351 Solar Hijri.
[273] Ibid, 18th Bahman, 1348 Solar Hijri.
[274] Ibid, 7th Khurdad, 1349 Solar Hijri.
[275] Ibid, 22nd Esfand, 1350 Solar Hijri.
By Solar Hijri is, meant Solar Calendar based on Hijrah of Prophet Muhammad (SA). Difference between the Gregorian Calendar and Solar Hijri is 621 years.
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