A Conversion within a Conversion!

Conversion with Kate Elsayed
I'll never forget the morning I woke up and made a decision that ultimately changed the direction of my life. Having just finished my A levels, I was preparing to go to Art College. Although I wasn't that enthusiastic it just seemed to be the ' next step ', the next step I was expected to take. However my heart was not fully in it and I decided it would be more of an education to travel for a few years first.
I'd been sent previously to boarding school and had only a distant relationship with my family, so it was easy just to pack my bags and go! I travelled throughout the Mediterranean countries and Eastern Europe. But I felt a magnetic draw towards the Middle East, full of mystery and the unknown. Travelling gave me the opportunity to witness other faiths and also the time to contemplate. I'd always been interested in religion and had dabbled with Buddhism, but later came to the conclusion that I believed in God and was told that the only way to God was through Jesus Christ (as). My belief however did not ultimately change me, and I was almost embarrassed at the prospect of calling myself a "Christian". Islam had always been the religion furthest from my mind, with its backwardness and oppression of women, and I envisaged it as a black sea which was slowly sweeping over the world - I'd even gone as far as to imagine that it could be the antichrist! Allah forgive me!
My first encounter with Muslims and Islam was probably in Turkey. I remember visiting the Blue Mosque and becoming confused over who was worshipped, Allah or Muhammad? In fact I didn't even know which one they called God; it all seemed so strange and foreign. And the haunting sound of the azhan, hypnotically drawing in the faithful, not to mention a group of women dressed in black in strange postures performing their ritual prayers. I subsequently gave the matter little more thought!
My travels then took me to Israel where I worked for about nine months. I can't deny that the land of 'the Bible' had a great impact on me. I spent much of my spare time in the old city of Jerusalem, it is truly an amazing place, a feast for all the senses, smells of aromatic spices and freshly ground coffee waft down cobbled alley ways littered with glistening trinkets of gold. It was almost as if you'd stepped back in time, back to the time of Jesus, that is until a tour group barge their way past you laden with cameras and the like. But there is an underlying volatility, with all the monolithic faiths claiming a stake of the capital. Processions of people re-enacting the final march of Christ intermingle with orthodox Jews, and Arabs with their flowing headscarves rhythmically play with rosary beads, muttering invocations. I remember thinking in my ignorance, how strange it was that what I assumed was the Christian centre was so dominated by the golden dome of the Muslim mosque. Al Asqa without a doubt must leave an indelible impression on whoever sees it. It rises shimmering with its gold and turquoise, like a phoenix out of the ashes of brick and concrete which surround it.
Yet again I thought no more about Islam, until I found myself in Egypt. For some reason I felt an attachment to the country, and in order to learn more about its culture, thought I should understand the religion which obviously played an important role in the society. I spent much time alone, this allowed me to think and reflect. I read a book on Islam, and then read the Bible from cover to cover. My mind was restless. If Islam was the right way the question of whether I would be betraying Jesus was tugging at me . Could it be the devil trying to trick me? I had endless doubts, and didn't know which way to turn...I felt drained. I then managed to find a copy of the Quran in English, and by this stage was extremely curious to read it. Once I started, I could not put it down. It was intoxicating, unlike anything I'd ever read before. I felt shackles were being released and burdens lifted. An amazing sense of tranquillity and freedom descended on me. I felt I was answerable to no-one except the Creator, I didn't have to fulfil expectations of man, or conform to the picture that Western society was trying to pervertedly force me. The only standards I had to adhere to were those of my Sustainer and were on a completely different level. Life took on a different perspective, this life seemed so insignificant and temporal in comparison to the eternal bliss which man is promised, inshallah. The simplicity of Islam struck me , in contrast to the confusion of Christianity. Everything seemed to fall into place, as if a light had been switched on in the dark limits of my mind, alhamdulillah. Embracing Islam was like, 'coming home', and gave me a sense of security which I had been craving and had never found in people or things.
The next few years of my life were difficult for various personal reasons, yet my new found faith gave me the patience and perseverance to endure as much as I could. With the break down of my marriage, my relationship with Islam took a new twist. Although I had never thought much about it , I had automatically assumed I was a Sunni Muslim , after all they were the overwhelming majority , the remaining percentage had obviously gone astray , and obviously it was the Sunnis who were adhering to the Sunnah of the Prophet (saws) , so they must be the "saved sect"!
Facing the unknown and not knowing what my future held , I remember praying to Allah (swt) and trusting in Him to place me amidst a good Muslim community , wherever it may be. I found myself in northwest London , alhamdulillah. Whatever the future held I was determined to learn about Islam in every spare moment that I had , something that I hadn't properly been able to do in the previous years since my conversion. I remember trudging around the area with my children and working my way through a list of local mosques. To my dismay, I found out that wherever I went I encountered Shia centres. I felt uncomfortable with the whole idea. There was something 'foreign' about it , although I didn't quite know what. All I knew was that they were a minority sect, who'd gone astray and invented strange practices such as ' worshipping divine Imams', they wore black , cried and beat themselves, they'd changed the number of prayers , allowed prostitution through a form of temporary marriage , and they prayed on stones !
Anyway with determination I continued my search and was directed towards the Imam Hussein Institute (Hawza), in Dartmouth Road. I found out you could study Islam, a nursery was provided for the children, it was right on my doorstep, and it was free!!Alhamdulillah! It all sounded too good to be true ....so I went along to investigate , but my hopes were shattered when I discovered once again it was run by Shias !!!! However I thought I would 'give it a go ', and hoped I would at least be able to benefit from what was useful, they still called themselves Muslims and believed in one God.
Everyone seemed very welcoming and friendly, but I must admit I was a bit suspicious, I thought maybe they just wanted to draw me into their sect. I also had doubts that they were just telling me things I wanted to hear under the pretence of 'taqiya'. The Quran they followed appeared to be the same, but I still wondered whether they had a corrupted version hidden away! Was it all a big conspiracy? To safeguard myself I thought I'd better read up about their beliefs and practices, so as to distinguish between what was Islam and what they'd incorporated, and thus be armed against their deviances. I was surprised however to find that they supported their 'inventions' from sources in the Quran and hadith. I started to become confused and have doubts in what I believed, although my faith in Allah and Islam was untouched, I just wanted to know what was the Islam that Allah had intended. I remember praying to Allah (swt) to protect me from the devil's deception and from sliding down the wrong path. I was almost afraid to look into Shi'ism , and when I mentioned the subject to any sunnis , the look of horror on their faces summed up the widespread hostility towards this sect.
But there was something tugging at me, something that I felt I had to pursue, I had to find the truth and get to the bottom of the matter. What people were saying about Shi'ism and what I was learning just didn't correlate. I also felt a striking resemblance in comparison to what people had told me about Islam and how when you research for yourself you find their views are based on complete ignorance and prejudice. I continued attending the lectures at Hawza and asking questions, everything I was learning appeared to be so logical , no-one was trying to force me to their beliefs , all their arguments seemed to be backed up by proofs.
I read books from both Sunni and Shia viewpoints, and was intrigued to find much support for the Shia claims in the "authentic" Sunni collections of hadith. Facts seemed to have been concealed or twisted throughout history, but ultimately the truth always has to emerge and stand clear.
My mind was in turmoil once again and I again recalled that draining feeling I'd undergone in my conversion to Islam. I remember thinking how I'd already converted to Islam, did I really have to go through all this again? Shi'ism seemed so foreign, I'd never heard of their Imams, and some of their practices I had a problem accepting, it didn't seem to be the Islam I knew. But I was looking at it from a Sunni perspective, judging it by what I'd learnt as a Sunni , which is what I'd assumed Islam was and that everything had to be judged by that yardstick. I had to undergo a process which I can only describe as 'untying knots in my mind'. Almost unlearning everything I'd learnt in order to look at both viewpoints from an objective position. Shi'ism seemed to be based on logic and proof, it made sense, Sunnism seemed to lack proof and lacked complete sources for guidance, Sunnis seemed to be unaware of their own texts. When I read about Shi'ism from the Sunni point of view, they did not provide counter arguments based on proof or reason, but merely tried to instil me with fear and doubt. The truth has to be proved, and appeal to man's intellect, and not be disapproved through fear. As fear comes through lack of knowledge, and I was not going to be dissuaded that way. Fear and doubt are merely the tools of shaytan which he uses to prevent people from reaching the truth.
I found the whole concept of Imamat fascinating, and this was the key to recognising Shia Islam as the authentic Islam intended by Allah (swt), and taught by His messenger (saws). It has opened up another door, another light has been switched on. Islam for me has taken on another dimension, Shi'ism enriches and completes a 'din' which is fit only to be called the 'din ' of Allah (swt).
I feel I am once again at the beginning, and have an ocean of knowledge to swim through. Alhamdulillah for guiding me to Islam and to the Right Path, may peace and blessings be on the Prophet and his Ahlul Bait , and may He bless all those who have helped me reach the truth.
Alhamdulillah.
9th Rabi'al Thaani 1422 AH.