|
Discussion about Some Marriage Issues
By: Abdul Adheem al-Muhtadi al-Bahrani
What is the opinion of Islam about the period between the engagement and the wedding?
Question: What is the opinion of Islam about the period between the engagement and the wedding? Some people make the period too long and some make it short. Both have advantages and disadvantages.
The answer: The length of the period depends on the circumstances of the spouses. However, there are some manners that must be observed during this period:
1. Hearty love, intellectual closeness, and mutual visits between the families of the two spouses to better know each other and to strengthen the relations between them are recommended.
2. They should avoid all that may hurt this blessed relation; offensive words, insults, and bad behaviors that cause hatred must be avoided. If some of this takes place accidentally from any of the spouses, they should apologize, excuse each other, and determine not to do that mistake again.
3. The spouses should read books about marital relations to learn the principles, rights, and manners of marriage.
4. They should not mistrust each other or argue over every matter.
5. The wife should learn how to manage the affairs of her new house and should convince herself of her new responsibilities. The husband also has to undertake his new responsibilities outside the house and inside the house in helping his wife as much as he possibly can.
6. During this period, the spouses should avoid doing what should be done on the night of wedding!
7. It is better to make this period short.
8. They should take care of cleaning their bodies and getting rid of unpleasant smells, especially the smell of the mouth by brushing the teeth five times before every prayer, or at least three times, before and after sleeping, and after lunch. They should use perfumes because the Prophet (S) always used perfume and he had recommended his Umma to also use it, except for women who should not use perfume except for their husbands or their mahrams in order to not incite the lusts of others.
Psychological issues that threaten marriage
Question: I am afraid of the unknown and worried about the future. I feel inward turmoil and psychological instability. Can I find a remedy in religion before my marital life comes to an end?
The answer: The present makes the future. If you manage your present according to good foundations, you will build for yourself a happy future. There is no excuse for your fear if you determine and rely on Allah Who says, (And (as for) those who strive hard for Us, We will most certainly guide them in Our ways; and Allah is most surely with the doers of good)[88].
Starting now, you have to spend every hour of your day in a way that pleases Allah, where if you think about your yesterdays (after your determination), you will be delighted, and this delight is the future that will make you proud of the right method you have determined to follow.
Dear brother, try to forget your painful past, your defects, and all of what hurts you psychologically! Set out towards Allah, Who grants success to whoever relies on Him, and submit to Him, and then, do not worry about any grief or distress concerning this life!
As for your marital life, you and your wife should read a lot to help you plan for a good and peaceful life.
Does he who wants to establish a successful company not read about all that concerns this aim?
You and your wife are two partners, who want to establish a happy life; therefore, you should read about all that concerns this aim.
When you follow this way, you will find in front of you your future clear and pleasant Inshallah.
Notes:
[88] Holy Qur’an, 29:69.
The ideal age difference between a husband and wife
Question: People pay a lot of attention to the difference in age between a husband and a wife. Would you please show me the recommended amount of this difference according to Islam and what the other qualities are that must be paid attention to before the agreement of marriage?
The answer: We have not found any verdict in Islam concerning this matter. When we study the lives of the leaders of Islam, we find that the difference in the ages of the spouses is in different extents. Sometimes a wife is older and sometimes a husband is older. Lady Khadija, the mother of Lady Fatima (a.s.), was married to the Prophet (S) while she was fifteen years older than him, whereas Imam Ali (a.s.) was married to Lady Fatima (a.s.) while he was ten years older than her.
The same is said about the other faithful men and women in the history of Islam. We have not read that they paid much attention, in their marriages, to the matter of age, but rather, they paid attention to other important qualities (of the other spouse) according to the following order:
1. religiousness and faith
2. good morals
3. good family
These are the qualities according to which the believers are considered equivalent to each other. The Prophet (S) says, ‘The believers are equivalent to each other.[98]’
From these three main qualities, the following qualities ramify:
1. intelligence, knowledge, and social manners
2. intellectual and cultural equivalence
3. physical health and freedom from hereditary diseases
4. sufficient income to at least cover the necessary expenses
5. acceptable outward beauty but not at the expense of moral beauty
6. proportionality of bodies as customary
It is customary nowadays that spouses should be nearer in age according to the idea that cultural equivalence results from studying in the modern schools, which means that both are somehow close in age. Equivalence is not achieved when a young woman is a graduate of a secondary school while the young man has been a graduate of a university for ten years, which makes the difference in age between them over seventeen years. Therefore, there is no cultural and intellectual equivalence and accordingly marriage with this extent of difference in ages is not advisable.
Custom has another conception in this field that differences in age form a ground for marital disagreements because interests and hobbies of different generations always cause clashes.
A third conception says that differences in age make one of the spouses maturer than the other due to experiences and this is another cause that leads to conflicts in opinions and situations, which makes spouses disagree with each other.
Another traditional conception is that the difference in age means that the older spouse may die long before the other, and especially if the wife is still young, she will become a widow after the death of her husband and may remain alone.
We agree with these four customary conceptions, but not absolutely. There are many exceptional cases in which the marital life is of utmost happiness and pleasure in spite of the age difference between the spouses.
What is important in equivalence is the educational equivalence and mental maturity, which leads to good behavior, kindness, humbleness, and rapport.
If the main qualities we have mentioned are found in a husband and a wife, they will live happily; otherwise, there will be no happiness even if the spouses are of the same age.
Notes:
[98] Wassa'il ash-Shia, vol. 14 p.49.
How do I deal with an ungrateful and frequently absent husband?
7Question: My husband travels too much, and the responsibility of the house and children has fallen on me. My back has broken due to this heavy responsibility; nevertheless, I have not received from him even a word of gratitude. What shall I do?
The answer: Your husband has to change his job, if it is possible, or bring you a servant. You may teach your children the household affairs to help you or you may make friends with the neighbors according to the familiar, social way among good people. If all these solutions fail, you should continue in your present state and look forward to the reward of Allah that the future may be better than the past.
Dear sister, be patient for patience is an effective weapon. Imam Ali (a.s.) said, ‘He, who rides in the boat of patience, arrives at the field of victory.[102]’
The husband, also, has to try his best to solve this problem. Islam does not permit the burdening of wives with heavy duties.
The Prophet (S) said, ‘Travel is a part of torment. Whenever one of you finishes his travel, let him hasten back to his family.’
If this husband does not change his severe behavior towards his wife, relatives have to advise him wisely, because supporting the cause of a wronged one brings good in this life and the afterlife.
Notes:
[102] Al-Hikam az-Zahira, p.265.
Should I ask my imprisoned husband to divorce me so I could marry another since we cannot be together and he cannot provide for our family?
Question: My husband is unjustly undergoing a sentence of fifteen years in prison for a matter of the truth! I live miserably with my child. My husband’s relatives do not take any care of me or my little son. Whenever I count the remaining period of my husband’s imprisonment, which is ten years, I feel I will die before the actual death comes. I have a friend who asked her husband to divorce her as soon as she knew that he had been sentenced to life imprisonment and then she went to live with a good husband. She often advises me to do the same. I am confused and do not know what to do. Would you please guide me to the right way so that I may follow it and keep myself away from the whispers of the Satan?
The answer: Dear faithful sister, there is something called loyalty, whose light always shines in the stories of pious and dutiful people. Loyalty is an Islamic value, a human nature, and a moral jewel. One who has no loyalty lives with remorse his whole life and does not feel happy.
Yes! There are some exceptions that Islam has permitted and specified within certain boundaries. I prefer that these exceptional cases should be dealt with in the agreement between the imprisoned husband and the expectant wife. The husband who has entered prison after struggling to revive noble values in society, which has been deprived of these values, is able to make a decision to set his young wife free if she wishes to live away from the long wait. Nevertheless, I prefer that the faithful wife make a sacrifice for the sake of the values that her husband was thrown in prison for. Among these values are loyalty, patience, devotedness, and giving delight to her husband’s heart by visiting him continuously and making him feel that she is with him not only in ease but also in distress. Is life worth anything without values?
In a word, Islamic values must always be taken as the motives of our situations. They must be the criteria of divorce or waiting. Allah says, (…then retain them with kindness or separate them with kindness)[103]. Kindness is among the values to which Islam has invited and which also include loyalty, patience, cooperation, and mutual understanding.
Notes:
[103] Holy Qur’an, 65:2.
I want to divorce my wife due to her defects which I cannot bear, but I received threats from her family. What should I do?
Question: A while ago, I married a young woman. After the wedding, I discovered that she had some defects. I tried to be satisfied and patient with her defect, but I could not. At last, I decided to divorce her, but her brother began threatening me and caused me troubles. He is an evil person, and I hate troubles. Frankly, I say that I am not brave in evil or in resisting evil. I do not know what to do. I hope that you may guide me to a solution.
The answer: Legally, you have the right to divorce her, but humaneness requires you to live with her if her defect is not so serious. If you decide to divorce her, you have to be prudent towards her brother. Allah says, (And the servants of the Beneficent are they who walk on the earth in humbleness, and when the ignorant address them, they say: Peace  [106]
Also we find this solution in a tradition narrated from one of the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.), ‘If you keep silent before an ignorant person, you answer him fully and punish him painfully.’
You should follow this conduct if his harm towards you is through speech, but if you fear that he may do more serious harm to you, you can send some notables to advise and threaten him implicitly. If he persists in his ignorance, you should try to move to another part of your country. If he continues harassing you, then you should lodge a complaint against him in court.
You should do so if there is no way before you except divorce, but if you can live with your wife, you should; otherwise, after agreeing with her, you can choose a second wife who can live with her without troubles.
Notes:
[106] Holy Qur’an, 25:63.
Should a man go against the wishes of his sick wife and marry another to satisfy his needs and desires?
Question: I have a friend whose wife is sick and she cannot satisfy his sexual desire. At the same time, she strongly refuses to let him marry another wife. She acts like she’ll die whenever he wants to discuss this subject with her, though he has the right to marry another wife even if his first wife is sound. Then, how about it when she is sick?I wonder at the selfishness and the unjust jealousy of such women towards their poor husbands! My friend is always nervous because of his wife who is not ready to talk about polygamy. What do you suggest for a solution? Should my friend continue living with his wife and remain without children, satisfied lust, or comfort or should he marry another one regardless of what will happen?
The answer: This husband has the right to get married whether in order to get children, to satisfy his sexual lust, or to relieve his strained nerves, but executing this right requires great wisdom in caring for the moral side. He, to the extent of his abilities, has to convince his wife and assure her that he will not leave her alone or ignore her if she agrees on his marriage to another wife, rather her agreement shall make him love and respect her more. He must carry out his promise to her after her agreement.
If this attempt does not succeed, he should send some wise relatives of hers to convince her and explain to her the divine verdict in this concern. They should explain to her that by preventing her husband from marrying another, she will bring upon herself the wrath of Allah that will lead her to the torment of the afterlife because, by doing so, she denies one of the verdicts of Allah and prohibits a lawful right of her husband on the one hand, and on the other hand, she may lead her husband to commit unlawful acts. In fact, her permission is not a condition for the validity of her husband’s second marriage, but it is just a moral requirement.
If this attempt does not succeed either, then the decision is up to the husband whether he wants to live with her and make sacrifices for her or if he wants to get married to another, regardless of the consequences.
I myself know someone who went ahead and married another wife in spite of his wife’s threats, and then she submitted to the reality. However, I also know other people who married additional wives in spite of their wives’ threats, and their wives did in fact carry out their threats and caused their husbands many troubles.
I do not know which type the wife of your friend will be! I pray to Allah that she recovers her health and makes her husband happy, and I hope she will find pleasure in submitting to the verdict of Allah because nothing will be more useful to her than the verdicts of Allah, which surely have wisdom and advantages that may be unknown by man, for Allah is more aware than us.
Such women have to think of the pleasure of Allah and their ends in the afterlife. This life is transient and ages are too short however much they last! Then, let these women do good deeds and leave good remembrances after them!
How can we solve the problem of poor relations with in-laws?
Question: The troubles between a wife and her husband’s relatives are among the problems that most often lead a marriage to divorce. It is seldom to find cordiality between a wife and her mother-in-law. My question is: how do you deal with this problem?
The answer: There are some points that must be obtained before the troubles begin.
1. Spouses, and their families as well, should have a good amount of comprehension, prudence, morals, and good faith, and this is what Islam emphasizes.
2. Spouses should try to keep away from the incentives of disagreement.
3. They should try to be independent in the abode and the domestic means.
4. They should refrain from spying on others in the family.
5. They should not reveal their secrets to others.
6. They should try to spread love among all by praising, thanking, and encouraging others.
However, if the problems begin, the following steps must be followed:
1. The problem must be belittled.
2. The problem must be limited only to the ones the problem relates to.
3. Others may give advice with lenient speech and smiles and some lectures about the afterlife, and they should avoid disputing. It would be better to mention some jokes to quiet the anger of the ones involved in the problem.
4. They should beware of suspecting and misunderstanding each other.
5. They should deal with the problem wisely and should humor the ones involved in the problem until the fire of the problem is extinguished.
Imam Ali (a.s.) says, ‘Humor people and you will enjoy their brotherhood. Meet them with smiles and joy and you will kill their spites.[107]’
Notes:
[107] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.3 p.240.
If a person helps to arrange a marriage, is he/she responsible for problems that happen in the marriage?
Question: I often hear from preachers that the person who arranges a marriage between a Muslim man and a Muslim woman will get a great reward. Once, I arranged a marriage between two young persons, and now whenever a quarrel occurs between them, they blame me because I was the cause of their marriage. This has made me refrain from attempting again in this concern. What do you think I should do?
The answer: The Prophet (S) has said, ‘He who marries his faithful brother to a woman who supports him and makes him feel happy and comfortable with her, Allah will marry him to a houri and will please him with the veracious ones of his relatives and brothers who love him and will make them pleased with him.[111]’
Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) has said, ‘Whoever marries a bachelor (to a woman) will be among those whom Allah will look at on the Day of Resurrection.[112]’
Islam has urged us to assist people in getting married. Islam does not urge anything unless it is to our advantage, giving us benefits in religion and rewards in the afterlife. But the approach to achieving this is important. The one who wants to arrange the marriage of two persons has to regard the qualities of the two persons and the extent to which they are near in ambitions and morals, and then he should tell them and their families that he is just an introducer. Then, those persons and their families must take the remaining steps. They should inquire accurately about each other and then agree on the details and conditions of marriage. The introducer has to tell them that he should not be blamed since it is the spouses and their families who make the final decision. He should tell them that a mediator does not know the unseen, and if he knew the unseen, he would prevent the quarrels of the spouses or would not prepare their marriage at all.
According to these points, you have to continue doing good to gain rewards in the afterlife. Do not let the justifications of the persons who are unable to deal with each other correctly prevent you from doing good. Actual blame should be on them and not on the one who has intended to do good and serve others.
Notes:
[111] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.4 p.275-276.
[112] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.4 p.275-276.
My husband shows no interest in discussing things with me or listening to me and it makes me very unhappy; what should I do?
Question: I separated from my first husband because he was a drug addict, and for the past ten years, I have been married to a good man. He speaks little with me and pays more attention to his business. I wish we could sit together and discuss our interests, life affairs, educating our children, the news of the society and neighbors, or the like. Sometimes, I feel that I am full of speech but I do not find anyone beside me to whom I can talk. I tell my husband: please listen to me! He says: I have no time, and my mind is not ready to listen. Would you please suggest a solution to my problem?
The answer: Dear sister, you have to understand that people are different in their natures but they are similar in other aspects. Your good husband is different from you in some aspect, but this does not mean that he hates you or hates to listen to your speech. Some aspects are hereditary, others are related with the zodiacs, some are acquired since childhood, and others are acquired because of the surrounding environment and pressing difficulties that man faces due to political, economical, or social reasons. These difficulties afflict all people, but they cause some melancholy, others handicaps, others madness, others failure and deviation, and others great success – and this kind is found the least in people.
Dear sister, I suggest that you should try to talk with your other relatives, such as your parents, brothers, sisters, daughters, or your trusted neighbors. If you do not succeed, then you should accept the reality because satisfaction is a treasure that does not end, as mentioned in the Islamic traditions. It has also been mentioned that keeping silent and speaking little are better.
|
