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How can a wife advise her husband?
By: Abdul Adheem al-Muhtadi al-Bahrani
Question: My husband has good characteristics, but nevertheless he also has some extreme bad conducts. I do not know how to advise him without causing his anger against me and throwing my marital life into troubles.
The answer: Dear sister, criticizing and advising are like surgical operations but are not conducted on the body; rather, they are done on the spirit and the soul. Therefore it is a very difficult operation requiring accuracy besides the following points:
1. Criticism must be preceded by love and a close relationship on both sides because without these, criticism becomes more a cause of disagreement and reluctance between spouses.
2. You should begin your talk with him by praising his good characteristics and then proceed little by little to criticize his bad behaviors. Praising him will make him trust in your love for him and will strengthen his morale, and then you will find he will accept your criticism sincerely.
3. After professing his fault, you should encourage him and give him hope and confidence. For example, you could say to him “I think you are able to change” or “It is not like you to say ‘I cannot’” or “I trust in your will and I admire your personality”, etc.
4. You should not repeat criticisms on the same subject too often, because repetition causes obduracy and anger.
5. Sometimes it would be better to criticize indirectly such as, for example, by a hint, mentioning a tradition, mentioning a story that has something to do with the matter, or playing a cassette of a lecture discussing that specific problem.
6. Let your criticism be free of insult and mockery, because the goal is to reform and rescue and not to destroy or avenge.
7. You should ask him for his criticisms about you, and when he tells them, you should accept them and thank him. This will make it easier for him to accept your criticisms about him, for humbleness brings humbleness.
8. You should limit your criticism to the matter of the fault itself and not generalize it to other sides of your husband’s personality.
9. Your criticism against your husband should be done when you are alone with him and not in the presence of anyone else. It has been mentioned in one of the traditions that “he who advises his brother secretly does him good, and he who advises his brother openly does him wrong.”
Here, I have to mention an advice aimed at myself first and then to this husband and those like him. It is a saying by the greatest of the wise and the master of the pious, Imam Ali (a.s.): “He who advises you, fears for you, does good to you, thinks of your ends, and reforms your defects, in obeying him lies your guidance and in disobeying him lies your corruption.[159]”
Imam Zaynul Aabideen (a.s.) said, ‘The right of the one who asks you for advice on you is that you have to give him sincere advice and be kind and pitiful to him. And the right of the advisor on you is that you have to be lenient with him and listen to him carefully…[160]”.
Notes:
[159] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.10 p.57.
[160] Mizan al-Hikma, vol.10 p.57.
How can I handle the issue of a wife whose temperament I do not like?
My wife is often nervous and angry. She scolds my children for anything they do that she does not like. I fear for their education and future if she continues in this state. In fact, I fear for my sincerity to her and the remaining of my life with her. What would you advise me to do?
The answer: Anger, as stated in the traditions, is a soldier of the Satan and a flame of Fire like any other destructive means. If your wife continues in her state and you also lose your patience, you both will in fact arrive at the end that you fear, and the first losers will be your children except if the stepmother will act towards them as a sincere and real mother, and such stepmothers are few.
Hence, I advise this wife to be prudent and patient and I advise you also to be more patient and to give her enough opportunities to ponder on the outcome of anger, which has destructive results in the family. You also have to think about the outcome of your patience because a day will come where your wife will awake out of her errors, and then she will appreciate your patience and compensate you for your previous days with her. And a day will come to you when you will find your great reward near Allah, and then your eyes will be delighted on (the day when wealth and sons avail not (any) man, except him who comes to Allah with a heart free (from evil))[161]. You must try to identify the reasons for her anger and when you are able to remove the causes of her anger, you will be happy with her. You have to be patient with her, advise her, and pray to Allah for her.
Notes:
[161] Holy Qur’an, 26:88-89.
I suffer from forgetfulness and it upsets my wife; what should we do?
Question: Why am I so forgetful? My wife is angry at my state, and my dignity does not permit for her to raise her voice against me. This is the focal point of our problems.
The answer: Forgetfulness has several causes, such as worry, problems that press on one’s nerves, psychological troubles, fright, melancholy, and sins, especially the hidden major sins. From among these reasons, there are also some diseases and accidents.
These things are like black clouds lying heavily on a man’s memory. In order to cure this case, you have to organize your life. For example, you should assign a certain time for sleeping, follow a healthy diet, practice sports, and strengthen your relation with Allah the Almighty by performing the obligations and avoiding all kinds of sins.
There are some tested things that strengthen one’s memory such as memorizing Qur’anic verses, always being with wudu’, reciting supplications, and avoiding quarreling with others.
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